DeJargonator - Tychi Systems

Long dormant, the DeJargonator is my one-man war against lousy, buzzword-filled corporate writing. I haven't written much for it until this absolutely stunning example of horrible introductory text moved me to action.

Here's the offending paragraph. See if you can read the entire thing without zoning out:

Tychi Systems' mission is to bring world-class biometric technology to the consumer. We are the first company to design biometric products specifically for the home and small business owner starting from a clean drawing board. The products are not adapted from military or government experiments, or from complex corporate systems. Starting with knowledge of the most advanced biometric technology, Tychi Systems analyzed needs of the cost-conscious consumer within the home and business environment and applied the technology in a refreshingly simple and functional manner. Having both the technology access afforded by its location in the Boston area and direct connections to the highest quality manufacturing resources in China, Tychi Systems benefits from an optimal combination of global teamwork.

I bet you didn't make it past the first sentence, did you? Don't feel bad, I started dropping out the instant I hit the phrase "world-class." No one, I repeat, no one, has ever used the phrase "world-class" without boring their audience to tears. It's only use is for sarcasm. Using a boxing metaphor, "world-class" is the jab that sets up the "biometric" power fist. Only the most dedicated of readers can endure the "world-class biometric technology" 1-2-3 combination.

And yet there are still so many more sentences to read. Unfortunately, there is no payoff to enduring the entire paragraph. Despite Tychi's use of many multi-syllabic words, we're still no closer to answering the question, "What does your company do?"

I like how Tychi assures me their mystery product(s) will be useful to me as a "homeowner who is starting with a clean drawing board." Did they outsource the writing of this? It sounds like it was written in Chinese and translated using Altavista Babelfish.

But what is most galling about this description is the third sentence explaining what Tychi Systems is not - "The products are not adapted from military or government experiments, or from complex corporate systems." That's good to know, thanks. Whenever I describe things to people, I first tell them what it is not. When I describe an elephant, I say, "It's not a parrot, a hippo, or a zebra." It makes it more fun.

Here's the translated, improved version:

Tychi Systems manufactures a door lock system that unlocks using fingerprinting.

That's about 100% more powerful. Don't dilly-dally when explaining your product. People don't have the time.

Comments

[sandra]

You'd be good in front of a camera. :)

[Dave G]

Sandra - Thank you! I've always thought myself a behind-the-scenes kind of guy but I appreciate the compliment. You made my day :-)